Newly Elected M.P. Hackney Snoutintroff Interviewed by The Talbot

I cannot divulge how this recording of an interview between Hackney Snoutintroff, newly elected M.P. (Con) for Goovno North, and journalist Brunhilde Maynstreem, from The Talbot Britain's leading intellectual Catholic periodical, came into my possession, but can vouch for its authenticity.

B.M. Thank you Mr Snowtintroff for finding the time to talk to us. First, as a devout Catholic, how do you react to other Catholics who object to your support for abortion?

H.S. Well, Brun, I was elected to represent the fine people of Goowno North in the House, and that is what I will do. If I disappoint them, and don't get re-elected, how can I serve their best interests and those of the nation?

We are a democracy, and the People want abortion - the number of terminations speaks for itself. I'm not going against that. The kind of backwoods Catholics who disagree with me can go f - and I mean read what the more enlightened of our clergy have to say on the matter. End of story. You got a problem with that?

B.M. No, of course not. We at the Talbot, Britain's leading intellectual Catholic magazine - we've been there, done that, and we understand. But what about gay marriage?

H.S. The Church is against discrimination - read the Catechism - and gay marriage is all about equality and justice. The kind of backwoods Catholics who disagree with me can go - er, well, ya!

Look, Brun, I have to represent my constituents, and keep on the right site of party whips and my fellow M.P.s. That's how my bread gets buttered. You have to remember, I'm an M.P. first, and a Catholic second, and privately. The good people of Goovno North elected someone to fight for their interests. They didn't choose me because I was a Catholic. My private religion just doesn't - and shouldn't concern them. It's a private matter. End of story.

B.M. Some Catholics claim that your support of euthanasia is not in line with Catholic teaching..

H.S. Nit-pickers, who just don't see the big picture. No vision. End of story.

B.M. And lastly, how does your Faith inform the way you live?

H.S. Is that the time? Call me a taxi will you? I've a speaking engagement in 20 minutes at Ogle, the new men's lifestyle magazine. There's a good girl!