Stalin Joke No. 5 - not nice

It is 1944, and a soviet general has been discussing his campaign with Stalin. As he walks away from the meeting, a guard in the corridor hears him mutter, "Idiot!" 

He marches into Stalin's office and reports what he has heard. Stalin thanks him, orders him to wait in the office, and rings the guard at the gate with instructions to escort the general back. The general enters, and Stalin asks him, "Who were you referring to as an idiot?"

"Hitler, of course."

Stalin turns to the guard. "And who did you think he was referring to?"

He's Coming! Look Busy!

I don't remember when or where I heard this, but I love it. It seems a very moral joke to me. It's best told with a Beano-style Italian accent.

The Pope is sitting reading in the Vatican when a Cardinal rushes in.

"Holiness!" he cries, "Eet's-a-happened! He's-a-coming!"

Pope: "Who's-a-coming?"

Cardinal: "He is. He's a-riding a donkey and He's here - in Roma! The Second Coming! Whadda we do? Whadda we do?"

Pope:  (shuffling documents) "Look-a busy!"

Stalin Joke No 4

Early on a beautiful summer morning Stalin gets out of bed, goes to the window, and draws the curtains back.

The Sun is shining, and, to Stalin's surprise, says, "Good morning, Comrade Stalin."

"Good morning," replies Stalin, wondering about the strength and quality of the previous night's vodka.

In the afternoon, taking a break from his work, Stalin goes into the garden. The Sun again greets him, "Good afternoon, Comrade Stalin, Great Teacher!"

"Good afternoon, and thank you," replies Stalin.

In the evening, at the end of a glorious day, Stalin is again in the garden and looks up at the setting Sun. "Good evening, he says, tentatively.

"Sod off, you stupid commie bastard!" replies the Sun.

"Why are you so rude now, when you were so polite before?" asks Stalin.

"Ha! Ha! I'm in the West now."

Non-Stalin Joke, Translated from the Polish.

A policeman on duty finds a dead body lying on the kerb. He gets out his notebook to record the incident, licks his pencil, writes the date, time, name of street, and then comes to "location of the incident".

He writes, 'curb', no, that's not how you spell it; 'cerb?', no, that's not right; 'kurb?', no; 'korb?'.

He gives up trying to spell, kicks the body off the kerb, and writes 'rode'.

Stalin Joke 2

The great Thinker and Teacher receives a delegation of Georgians in his office, and when they have gone, can't find his pipe.

He immediately telephones Beria. "See if one of them has taken my pipe."

A minute later, he finds his pipe on the windowsill. He telephones Beria, "It's all right. I've found it."

"Too late, Josef Vissarionovich."

"What do you mean, Lavrentiy Pavlovich, too late?"

"Half of them have confessed, and been liquidated. The other half unfortunately died under interrogation."

Stalin chuckles and fills his pipe.

Stalin Joke 1

Jokes about Stalin abound, all bitterly cynical. Humour was of course an important safety valve for people in the Warsaw Pact countries.

It's Stalin's birthday in 1950, and the Great Teacher is making a speech to a vast audience of commisaars etc.

About three hours into his oration, someone in the audience sneezes.

Stalin stops, hands on hips, and asks mildly, "Who sneezed?"

Silence.

Again he asks, "Who sneezed?"

Again silence.

"Guards," he says gently, "shoot the front row."

The guards obey, and the front row slumps to the floor.

"Again I ask who sneezed?"

Again silence. "Guards, shoot the back row."

They obey.

Then a man in the middle stands up. "It was I who sneezed, Comrade Stalin."

Stalin beams. "Bless you!"