Blarrrt! Blarrrt!

Inspired by that worthy successor of Bach and Mozart, Mr P. Inwood, and his wonderful  Alleluia ch -ch, I have composed the following so that liturgical dancers, after their terpsichorean exertions, can give praise with their armpits as well as the rest of their persons:

We have danced before the Lord (Blarrrt! Blarrrt!)
We have danced before the Lord (Blarrrt! Blarrrt!)

We have danced before the Lord
While you listened to His Word
 We have danced before the Lord (Blarrrt! Blarrrt!)
(Blarrrt! Blarrrt!)

Note: The (Blarrrt! Blarrrt!) sound can be produced easily by perspiring liturgical dancers, simply by placing the hands under the opposite armpits and sharply raising and lowering the elbows.

Liturgical Dance Rhapsody

It’s that special time,
That moment sublime
When the priest climbs on his pogo stick and bounces!
The praise-band is there
Time for physical prayer,
A comely dame across the chancel flounces.

Liturgical Dance!
Ecclesial prance!
It’s so me! I hope that no one will deride me.
I kick off my shoes.
I’m starting to ooze
Down the aisle just like the snake-hips that’s inside me.

The traddies all sneer.
It’s only their fear
That makes them want a Terpsichorean ban.
The hypnotic chant
Is just what I want
To make me sway and flex as only I can.

My crimplene’s swishing
And how I’m wishing,
As I imitate Fontaine’s ‘The Dying Swan',
Then back-flip so neat,
But land on my seat,
That nobody will spot that I’m a man.

A Salute to Archbishop Vincent Nichols

Yes it's me, Bishop Bogus Smirk, at your service.

People have asked me why I am not listed in The Catholic Directory.

Simple, stupid!

I'm not a Papist.

I'm a Bishop of the Multi-credal, Universal, Gay-friendly, What-you-will, Universalist, Modernist Patriarchate, or, for short:

MUGWUMP.

And today I want, maybe a little late, to declare my solidarity with my separated brother, Archbishop Vincent Nichols, in London.

Why, you ask?

Because he SPEAKS THE TRUTH AND SPEAKS IT OUT!

1. He's on record as having said that mortal sin was an unsuccesful attempt to motivate the faithful. Unsuccesful = they weren't motivated!

Cuz there ain't no such thing as Mortal sin, folks. It was an invention of power-crazed clerical obscurantists in the Dark Ages, to spoil people's fun and keep them down, while monks and nuns, bishops and that lot enjoyed their alcohol-fuelled orgies.

No mortal sin means no Hell! Yay!

2. He does not rule out future LGTB marriage or female clergy!

No wonder he missed out on the red titfer!!

So, we are currently redesigning our liturgies to make them more full of sisterly, brotherly, and anyotherly love. Yup!

Come and see for yourself - don't be apart - be a part of our:

Women's liturgical dance - boy, we got some babes!

Men's liturgical dance - tame it ain't,

Topless women's drum circles,

LGBT love-ins,

Abortion/deep ecology/macrobiotic workshops.

We're compiling a New 10 Commandments - get a life, Moses.

So, once again, I salute you, separated but beloved brother Archbishop Vincent (tell-it how-it-is) Nichols.

You inspire me!!!