Prayers this Mr Nasty doesn't say "Amen" to

You will hear most of these at Mass from well-off ladies of a certain age whom I would never ask to dance. Please don't bother to point out my lack of charity: I am fully aware of it.

Lord, help us to realise that ...(followed by something I know to be untrue or wicked unacceptable, such as "those who disagree with us are entitled to have their point of view respected" - tell that to St Thomas More).

Lord, help us to accept that ...(I don't bloody well accept it, cuz it an't necessarily so).

Kumbaiya(h) boo! sucks!

Let us pray for those who are going on (an expensive) holiday, that they may be refreshed by a well-earned rest. (Tough on all those who can't afford holidays).

Lord make us grateful for our Catholic schools (including the I.B.V.M. convent which wanted to teach my daughters how to roll condoms on to hockey sticks? Yes of course! Or the headmistress who told a class that Mohammed lived before Christ - definitely! And told her class to go out into the school field and count the birds in the sky (maths)?

May the Spirit... Who? Now look here! If we are talking about the Holy Ghost or Holy Spirit, let us say so. Or is "the spirit" Gaia, or Brahma? If (s)he means Jack Daniels, a double, please.

From Father Soggy (on All Soul's): Let us remember our dead families in a very special way (standing on our heads, perhaps?)

Must go and check my blood-pressure.