Thursday, December 30, 2010

Thomas Hardy

The Darkling Thrush by Thomas Hardy


I leant upon a coppice gate
When Frost was spectre-grey,
And Winter's dregs made desolate
The weakening eye of day.
The tangled bine-stems scored the sky
Like strings of broken lyres,
And all mankind that haunted nigh
Had sought their household fires.


The land's sharp features seemed to be
The Century's corpse outleant,
His crypt the cloudy canopy,
The wind his death-lament.
The ancient pulse of germ and birth
Was shrunken hard and dry,
And every spirit upon earth
Seemed fervourless as I.


At once a voice arose among
The bleak twigs overhead
In a full-hearted evensong
Of joy illimited;
An aged thrush, frail, gaunt, and small,
In blast-beruffled plume,
Had chosen thus to fling his soul
Upon the growing gloom.


So little cause for carolings
Of such ecstatic sound
Was written on terrestrial things
Afar or nigh around,
That I could think there trembled through
His happy good-night air
Some blessed Hope, whereof he knew
And I was unaware.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

CAMFORD UNIVERSITY FINALS JUNE 2050: ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND LITERATURE

Section A: Questions 1,2,3 are Multiple Choice. In each question there is only one wrong answer. It should be obvious which one it is.

Spelling and punctuation will not be taken into account. Inclusiveness, avoidance of divisiveness and elitism will earn extra marks.

1. Shakespeare's "King Lear" deals with the theme of

(a) Senile dementia and the need for euthanasia
(b) Male chauvinism
(c) Marxist critique of the family as an institution.
(d) Female aspiration
(e) Hamartia and peripateia.

2. Bob Dylan is:

(a) The new Keats.
(b) Better than Keats.
(c) The greatest poet since Pam Gems.
(d) The greatest poet since Siegfried Sassoon.
(d) Crap.

3. Chaucer's 'Canterbury Tales' is:

(a) An interesting piece of literary archaeology, but homophobic.
(b) A critique of the Roman Catholic Church.
(c) Only readable when raunchy.
(d) Written in Old English.
(e) The first great work of literature in modern English.

4. Imagine you are Hamlet, and have just seen your father's ghost. Stand up in the space between the desks and act out your feelings for five ot ten minutes. Then write about a hundred words about how you felt.

5. You are working in Macdonalds. (You will be).

How do you feel about that? (100 words)

MAO AND GOMUŁKA - A LITTLE STORY

Last night I went to a concert of Chopin's piano music given by a brilliant young pianist from Syria.

The musicologist who introduced each piece told a story about a meeting over thirty years ago between Chairman Mao and Gomułka.

Mao asked the Polish leader what he should do to make communism more popular in China, as so many pople didn't like Marxism.

"How many dissidents do you have?" asked Gomułka.

"About 36,000,000."

Don't worry," chortled the Pole, "We have the same number in Poland. No problem!"

Monday, December 27, 2010

FATHERLY PITY

Not the greatest of poems, but gives hope to idiots like me who often get it all wrong.

Coventry Patmore. 1823–1896

The Toys

MY little Son, who look'd from thoughtful eyes
And moved and spoke in quiet grown-up wise,
Having my law the seventh time disobey'd,
I struck him, and dismiss'd
With hard words and unkiss'd,
—His Mother, who was patient, being dead.
Then, fearing lest his grief should hinder sleep,
I visited his bed,
But found him slumbering deep,
With darken'd eyelids, and their lashes yet
From his late sobbing wet.
And I, with moan,
Kissing away his tears, left others of my own;
For, on a table drawn beside his head,
He had put, within his reach,
A box of counters and a red-vein'd stone,
A piece of glass abraded by the beach,
And six or seven shells,
A bottle with bluebells,
And two French copper coins, ranged there with careful art,
To comfort his sad heart.
So when that night I pray'd
To God, I wept, and said:
Ah, when at last we lie with trancèd breath,
Not vexing Thee in death,
And Thou rememberest of what toys
We made our joys,
How weakly understood
Thy great commanded good,
Then, fatherly not less
Than I whom Thou hast moulded from the clay,
Thou'lt leave Thy wrath, and say,
'I will be sorry for their childishness.'

Saturday, December 25, 2010

LOGOPOIOS

The Logopoios, or myth-maker, rumour-monger, was Theophrastus's eighth imaginary character. He was a gossip, and having spread false rumours at the barber's (as I remember it) was arrested, taken before the magistrates, and tortured.

The blogosphere is host to many logopoioi, who blather falsehood and vitriol in the elecronic barber's chair.

I hope I have not blathered falsehood, but vitriol I will admit to. My invention of Bogus Smirk, who started life as a Catholic Priest, and has degenerated into a substance-abusing syncretist cult-founder is an example, a straw man I invented to belabour, ridicule, and belittle those whose opinions I hate. This is definitely uncharitable, possibly destructive, and must be thought over.

Happy Christmas to all, targets included.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Happy Christmas

That's all!

In an Ecumenical Spirit

In my current ecumenical spirit, I have given space on another page of my blog to the rantings of Bishop Bogus Smirk, whose page bears the title 'The Ever-Changing Truth".

He is now complaining that no one reads it, so I reproduce his latest piece here. He has produced a video, but characteristically, it doesn't seem to work, so we must make do with this transcript.

GLASTONBURGESI, ORBI, ET PAPAE

TO GLASTONBURY, THE WORLD AND THE POPE


(Opening fanfare of didgeridoos. Camera pans over Glastonbury, cuts to Pope on balcony, pans to group of White Anglo-Saxon women dancing brokenly and angrily around a huge pile of burning wimples. Pans to balcony, on which stands Bishop.)

He speaks.

To Glastonbury - peace, melllow moods, fragrant vapours rising to the heavens from spliff and bong! Happy mushrooming.

To the world - see above.

To Pope Benedict the 16th: be humble. You have much to learn.

Learn, as Tony Blair said a few years ago, to LISTEN.

LISTEN to the people in the pews.

LISTEN to the brokeness and angryness in you own church.

You're OUT OF TOUCH!

Tony Blair, now there's a man to respect and listen to!

For starters, he's a real English gentleman, born with a silver spoon in his mouth, speaks with a proper Oxford accent, not like that Brown, eh?

TONY BLAIR IS A DEEPLY HUMBLE AND RELIGIOUS MAN WHO SAYS IT AS IT IS.

He's also got a brain and a half - he must have. HE'S LOADED!

And he CARES. For BROKENESS, for ANGRYNESS.

He cares for all the unheard people in the Catholic Church, the gays, biseuals, transgenders, lesbians, ordinary people like you and I.

He told you straight, did Tone, that you were out of touch with ordinary people pewsitters, whatever.

He said you should LISTEN to THEM and HIM.

SO LISTEN!

Move on from your obsessions with condoms, abortion, sex, doctrine, theology (don't talk to me about theology), and embrace LIFE with all its DIVERSITY.

WE ARE BROKEN!

WE ARE ANGERED!!

WE ARE CHURCH!!!

(Fade-out broken, angry wailing.)

Monday, December 20, 2010

WORD-THEFT

Fifty years ago, while I was still a teenager, a gay bachelor had girlfriends, few responsibilities, and went to parties. He was decidedly heterosexual.

Then we lost 'gay', that beautiful word, and have not replaced it.

'Left-footer' has always been a term of affectionate mockery for Catholics, and it is listed as such in the Urban Dictionary, which, however, gives as a second usage, 'homosexual'.

A comment on another blog made me change the name of mine. I don't like the new name so much - Odysseus is described by Homer as 'polytropos = 'of many wiles', 'resourceful' in the second line of the Odyssey. I can't really lay claim to such a flattering title.

So I think tomorrow I will revert to the original, perhaps with a heterosexist note attached.

Sorry if I've caused some confusion.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

IS THERE A FUTURE?

My answer to the question is, "Not yet."

Let me start by stating the obvious - I am no philosopher, and I am not about to say anything profound, startling, or new.

A long time ago I read most of Plato, Aristotle, and, of course, the Dialogues of their fountainhead, Socrates.

The biggest surprise for me was reading the amazing dialogue between Chanticlere and Pertelote, cock and hen, in Chaucers Nun's Priest's Tale. Their subject, predestination, still grips and worries me.

The argument put forward by Chanticlere, as I remember it, is this: If God is omnipotent and omniscient, then He must know the future.

If He knows the future, then the future is already determined.

If the future is already predetermined, then we have no freedom of action, no free-will.

To extrapolate beyond Chaucer, if we have no free-will, we cannot choose between Heaven or Hell.

Divine Justice is therefore unjust.

About twenty three years ago, when I was struggling with Catholicism, I read a book whose title I forget, by a Jesuit Chaplain (of Eton College, but I don't hold that against him - I forget his name too).

It was a series of meditations on the life of Saint Francis Xavier, who intended to convert China, and of course died before he had even started. One remark sticks in my mind.

"God sees us, not as we are, but as we are becoming."

Of course, because God knows our intentions.

I accept three spatial dimensions, but the fourth, time, is fundamentally different. We can travel in three dimensions, exist in them, measure them, but in time, we can travel only forward. It is not, I think, a dimension in the same sense as the others.

The future does not yet exist. Future souls may indeed exist - that is beyond me, but the future has no existence - yet.

How can God know what does not exist? It's reminiscent of silly questions such as: 'Can God make a stone so heavy that He cannot lift it?'
or 'Can God create a more powerful god than Himself?' Whether the answer is 'yes' or 'no', the questioner will claim to have proved that God is not omnipotent.

I would suggest that God cannot know what is not, because such a possibility is a nonsense.

Your views, please.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

LABELS ARE LAZY - OR WORSE

I've been thinking more about the way labeling people or putting them in boxes, is destructive of both useful thinking and charity towards one's fellow man.

As Paul Mallinder commented on an earlier post, "we just label people when our reason isn't up to the game."

Label-stickers are lazy, or stupid, or vindictive, or dishonest, or I know not what. They dodge the issue of engaging people with whom they disagree, and just dismiss them.

For example, how about 'anti-Semite'? What do the users of this label mean, if not anti-Jew or anti-Israel? A true anti-Semite must also be anti-Arab and anti-Maltese, as both Arabs and Maltese are at least partly Semitic, and both speak Semitic languages. Speak plainly and use 'anti-Jewish' or 'anti-Israel', depending on what you mean. To engage the people is to engage the issues.

'Nazi' is applied indiscriminately to racists. However, under the prussian Bismarck, Adalbert Falk's falk laws expelled Catholic Religious (See Hopkins's "The Wreck of the Deutschland"). Further legislation deprived Poles of the right to speak Polish in school, sell their homes to other Poles, and more. The aim was to eliminate Polishness. IN 1900!

Racist? Very.

Anti-Jewish? No anti-Słowenski.

Nazi? Not under Bismarck, but later.

One more example, ridiculous, horrible, but true.

I had been in Poland about a week when a German, about 30 years old, asked me what I thought of Poles. I replied that I had not had time to form an impression.

So he told me. He said that the Poles were dirty, lazy, ignorant, and poor. Their food was unhealthy and their roads terrible.

He then said that the word Slav is derived from slave, because the Slavonic people exist to serve the teutonic races.

I could have labeled him 'ignorant nazi scumbag', but I didn't (tee hee!). Oh, I wanted to.

I was kind and explained that the Słowenik word which is known as Slav is cognate with Sławny = famous. The word 'slave' is derived from Slav, not vice-versa. I did not label him, but I wanted to kill him.

I then told him about the post WW2 Morgenthau plan, and its vision, thwarted by Roosevelt, of the permanent partition of Germany and its reduction to an agricultural economy.

I ended by telling him what I thought about his country's history.

As to a worthy label? Maybe 'evil idiot'.

He's Back.

Unfortunately.
I have evicted him from here, and if anyone is so inclined, they may read his ramblings at bishopsmirk.blogspot.com

Torquemada Shrooms released - New Twist in Glastonbury Mystery

Shrooms, arrested on a charge of murder and hate crime after he apparently ran over Smirk, a local preacher, with his steam-roller, has been released without charge, according to a Somerset police spokesman.

This follows forensic tests on the remains found outside Smirk's flat, which proved to be from a huge roast pig.

Shrooms's daughter, Muriel, who allegedly recently took out a very large life assurance policy on the missing Smirk, is helping police with their inquiries.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hilarious Accident in Glastonbury

It is without any particular regret that I report the demise of 'Bishop' Bogus Smirk.

His common-law wife, Muriel Shrooms, Mu for short, a character well-known in the Glastonbury community, reports that after eating a huge psilocybin and 'herb' omelette she had prepared for him, he rushed to the window of their shared ground floor flat, and with a cry of "Shabbaddabbada", threw himself through the glass to the street below.

As the fall was a matter of only eighteen inches, no tragedy could have been foreseen. However, a passing steamroller swerved to avoid a sparrow in the road, skidded, and ran over the unfortunate man.

It may be of some consolation to him, wherever he is, that he was physically as widely spread on the surface of the road as he had hoped his church and his literary fame would be in the world beyond the Somerset town where he lived.

If the public feel so inclined, they may leave their condolences in the comment box.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A NEW PRAISE SONG FROM BISHOP SMIRK (at least I think that's what it is)

Hi! It's Smirkie, the Mugwumpist.

Us poets depend so much on inspiration, don't you agree? I been trying to write a cool praise song for our Winter Season Praise Service. Trying for a week! Then I went up the Tor for some serious puffing (heh!), and the good weed brought me this.

Cool?

But I can't think of a good title - maybe "YEAH!" - can anyone help? But don't get snide - be positive! And don't get all technical about tenses. "When the creed and the colour and the name WON'T matter WERE you there?" is ok - everybody loves singing it.


I saw a man sitting by a tree.
Yeah, I saw a man sitting by a tree.
He's sitting by a tree
And that man is you and me!
I saw a man sitting by a tree.

I saw a man looking at a rope.
Yeah, I saw a man looking at a rope.
He's looking at that rope
Cuz he ain't got any hope.
I saw a man looking at a rope.

I saw a man standing on a chair
Yeah, I saw a man standing on a chair
He's standing on a chair
And he's reaching in the air.
I saw a man standing on a chair.

I saw a man tying rope to bough
Yeah, I saw a man tying rope to bough
He's tying rope to bough,
And I think he's ready now.
I saw a man tying rope to bough.

I saw a man kicking at a chair
Yeah, I saw a man kicking at a chair.
He's kicking at the chair
Now he's swinging in the air
I saw a man swinging in the air.

I saw a man hanging from a tree
Yeah, I saw a man hanging from a tree
He's hanging from a tree
And that man is you and me
I saw a man hanging from a tree.


Why was that man hanging in a tree?
Because of society's cruelty!
So let's go into the street,
Smile at people that we meet,
And show them just how happy they can be!


More to come! YAY, as we say.

This Instrument Kills Fascists

When Woody Guthrie went on tour after the last war, his guitar was decorated with the words - "This instrument kills fascists".

How many did it kill during the war I wonder?

I don't much like political 'folk' singers. "Killing Kruger with your mouth"?

Huh!

IMPERIALIST FASCIST STOOGE MACMILLAN

When I was about 17, I dearly wanted to be a communist. I read Marx's 'Capital', in translation, of course, and found it often heady and poetic.

Then I tuned into Radio Moscow, which was in English, and heard a Russian woman reading the news. Russian, like Polish, is a beautiful, very musical languge, but both Russians and Poles speak English without much intonation or emotion, so that to us they sound very cold.

The woman's words stick with me: "The imperialist fascist stooge, Macmillan, speaking yesterday in the so-called British Parliament, said that...."

That was enough. No more communism for me.

Why is it so tempting to insult the opposition or enemy? Labels like 'fascist', 'nazi', 'liberal', are bandied about, often with little regard for their historical significance, as though they were potent weapons for defeating opponents. As Kipling wrote over 100 years ago:

When you've shouted, "Rule Britannia!" when you've sung, "God Save the Queen",
When you've finished killing Kruger with your mouth."

what have you achieved? Perhaps very little. As with swearing, so with verbal abuse, using the currency debases it. The lewd words or insults progressively fail to satisfy, and reveal their own impotence and the user's. If you spend much time on Twitter, and I spend less than I used to, you will soon become bored with displays of bad-mouthing.

As an art form, it soon palls.

St John the Baptist did it, and so did St Thomas More, but much more creatively, and therefore more tellingly. There was poetry and passion in their invective. They were wise and good men, Saints, and their language was chosen to tell the truth, inspire their supporters, denigrate the enemy, and demolish his arguments.

But it is hard to see what purpose is served by merely insulting opponents, whether they be 'Taliban' Catholics, liberal 'fascists', or any other hated group, without actually pointing out where they are wrong.

Does doing so advance the cause, whatever it may be?
Rather, it is off-putting to many who might otherwise be inclined to listen to us. See above.

Does it hurt or demoralise the enemy?
Only clever satire can do that, not name-calling..

Does it rally and motivate our supporters and make them feel better?
Probably yes, if they are people of not very subtle perceptions.

Does it make us feel better?
Yes, of course. Watch a little dog behind its garden gate, go into yappping frenzy when a big dog, on a lead, has safely gone past.

Does it betray the fact that we feel weak, impotent, and on the losing side of a battle?
I fear so.

Let us by, all means, trash, rout, demoralise, destroy the enemy and his credibility, but, like G. K. Chesterton (who never sank to insulting even his arch enemies) let us do so with meticulous reasoning, wit, and truth. It was the rather risible F. E. Smith who dismissed Chesterton as an 'obese mountebank', as though his bulk invalidated his polemic.

Do we go to F.E. Smith for wisdom? I rather think not.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A THING RABBIT KNOWS

If you enjoy A.A. Milne's "Winnie The Pooh" and "The House At Pooh Corner" (not the cartoon versions) as much as I do, you may remember the sad chapter near the end of the second book where Christopher Robin is learning his alphabet and 'twy stimes' table, and is obviously going off to school.

Eeyore, the gloomy donkey, thinks he will learn the alpahbet too, and makes an "A" out of sticks, and asks Rabbit, the perennial busybody, what it is.

Rabbit replies, "An A, but not a very good one."

Poor Eeyore, cut to the quick, jumps on the sticks, saying "A, a thing Rabbit knows?"

Ever felt like that? I have.

It is very unpleasant (and hard to accept) when someone I don't like, who is a bit of a know-all, gets it right, and in a smarty-pants kind of way.

"How can I hear what you say, when what you are is deafening me?" as an African is said to have asked a European missionary.

We must always be careful - no, I must - to be sure that when we reject an idea, we are not rejecting it simply out of dislike or contempt for, or a grievance against, the author of that idea.

For example:

I don't like Richard Dawkins's face. I don't like clever-head atheists. If he told me the time I would want a second opinion: not reasonable.

Likewise Tony Blair: when he was received into the Catholic Church, I was annoyed. When he proved to be a dissenting Catholic, I was, shamefully, just a little gruntled.

The conflict between the Greek leaders Aristides, nicknamed 'The Just" and Themistocles ended in the ostracism of Aristides, at a date variously given between 485 BC and 482 BC. It is said that an illiterate voter, who did not know Aristides, came up to him, and giving him his voting sherd, desired him to write upon it the name of Aristides. The latter asked if Aristides had wronged him.

"No," was the reply, "and I do not even know him, but it irritates me to hear him everywhere called the just."

I am sure I would have liked Aristides and not wished for his ostracism, but even so, that illiterate was, I am ashamed to say, "mon semblable, mon frere".

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Defamation

A purely academic question, and just out of interest, would it amount to actionable libel or slander in the U.K. to write or say that someone was homosexual or a practising homosexual if they were not?

I have absolutely no intention of putting the answer to the test.

MARRIAGE FEAST AT CANA - A FUN MIRACLE, AND THE FIRST

Our Lady's Presumptive Close

Happy Feast of the Immaculate Conception.

I love this miracle because it is, after all, the first recorded, and it's about Holy Fun.

Weddings should be great fun (in Poland the reception normally lasts 3 days) and alcohol is part of the fun.

Jesus' mother (unnamed in John's Gospel) told Jesus, "They have no more wine," and Jesus replied, "Dear woman, why do you involve me? My time has not yet come." Jesus' mother then said to the servants, "Do whatever He tells you" (John 2:3-5). Jesus ordered the servants to fill the empty containers with water and to draw out some and take it to the chief waiter. After tasting the water that had become wine, and not knowing what Jesus had done, he remarked to the bridegroom that he had departed from the custom of serving the best wine first by serving it last (John 2:6-10). John concludes his account by saying: "This was the first miracle of Jesus and it was performed to reveal His glory, and His disciples put their faith in Him (John 2:11)".

I'm fascinated also by the psychology. Mary was a very clever woman, and knew a thing or two. Notice how, when Jesus demurs, she says, "Do whatever He tells you."

As a trainee salesman, I was taught the 'presumptive close'. The 'close' is the prospective client's decision to buy. The presumptive close involves behaving and speaking as though he or she had already agreed. Classic, though cheesy and not always very successful presumptive closes are:

How would you like to pay for this, Mr Prospect, monthly or annually?

When do you want your policy to start?

Shall we put it in trust for your wife? How do you feel about that, Mrs Prospect?

And Mary, much too clever for such obvious approaches, but using the technique of presuming that Jesus will do something, simply says, "Do whatever He tells you."

After that, how could Jesus extract himself from performing the required miracle. We know that sometimes presumption can be a sin. Voltaire's, "Dieu me pardonera - c'st Son metier" is a classic example, but the spirit which cries out, "Abba, Father" can wheedle. Our Lady is our Mother too, and she can wheedle better than anyone, being His Mother, bodily in Heaven, and never tainted by original sin.

And if we needed the stamp of authenticity on the idea that we can be good, and have fun, this miracle is it.

Dzięki Bogu! Thank God!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

SAINT PETER CUTS OF MALCHUS'S EAR St John's Gospel, 18: 10

Pondering on Saint Nicholas and the blow he (literally) struck for the Truth, I've had just a thought: Jesus must have known that Peter was armed. According to at least one commentary, carrying weapons was prohibited on feast days.

If the Jews of the Old Testament had been pacifist, they would probably have either lost their identity or been exterminated long before the Incarnation.

So would there have been an Incarnation?

Are we so sure that force and violence are always wrong? They seem to have worked in Salvation History.

Monday, December 6, 2010

SAINT NICHOLAS THE PLAGOLOGIST, POSSIBLY THE 1ST 'MUSCULAR CHRISTIAN'

Saint Nicholas was my kind of Saint,
If sometimes short of temper.
Though pacifism was not his bent;
He was fidelis semper.

When Arius denied his Lord's
Divinity, Nick felt sore;
Decided acts speak more than words,
Felled Arius to the floor.

His kind of knock-down plagologue*
Is now not to our taste.
We value courteous dialogue
Above such wordless haste.

And yet there is a time, one feels
To strike and not to speak.
When Reason with Unreason deals,
It's reason which is weak.

For who can mould a brain of mud
With philosophic lore?
Better to thump the stupid crud.
His place is on the floor.


Note: Plagologue = arguing or reasoning with blows. This word does not appear in any dictionary. It is my own coinage, being derived from Latin 'plagus' = a blow, 'plagosus' = full of blows, violent, cognate with Greek 'plegein = to beat, and logos = reason.

A FAVOURITE POEM BY G. K. CHESTERTON

Curiously topical: "From all the easy speeches that comfort cruel men..."

O God of earth and altar,
Bow down and hear our cry,
Our earthly rulers falter,
Our people drift and die;
The walls of gold entomb us,
The swords of scorn divide,
Take not thy thunder from us,
But take away our pride.

From all that terror teaches,
From lies of tongue and pen,
From all the easy speeches
That comfort cruel men,
From sale and profanation
Of honour and the sword,
From sleep and from damnation,
Deliver us, good Lord.

Tie in a living tether
The prince and priest and thrall,
Bind all our lives together,
Smite us and save us all;
In ire and exultation
Aflame with faith, and free,
Lift up a living nation,
A single sword to Thee.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS V. TONY BLAIR: THE GREAT DEBATE

So they debated whether religion is a force for good in the world. Huh!

Are sharks a force for good in the world? As someone who is anything but a 'deep ecologist', I consider sharks, along with crocodiles, leprosy, tornados, HIV and streptococci a force for evil. They sometimes kill people. However, I don't stop believing in them. They manifestly exist. I believe, but I love them not. I wish they could be exterminated, if you can do that to a tornado.

So what does the verdict amount to? If as a Catholic, or Muslim, or whatever, I come to see that religion is a force for what other people do not regard as 'good', do I stop believing? If a deranged Pope ate a Cardinal, would I become an atheist?

Had the debate been about the truth of a particular religion, that would have been interesting, but well beyond the intellctual capabilities of Tony Blair. Those who could have carried it off are all dead. George Weigel maybe?

Your comments are more than welcome.

Friday, December 3, 2010

NEW DECALOGUE - GETALIFE, MOSES!

OK, folks, it's ME, Smirk, and here they are!

My new 10 Commandments, which I just received at the top of Glastonbury Tor (my Holy Mountain) after a great lunch of MUSHROOMS (Know what I mean? Know what I mean!!!). It's brass monkeys up there, but the local fuzz don't like me smokin' ganja, man, not in the street, anyway, and my landlady's not cool with it. Life's grim without the odd spliff.

1. Thou shalt worship whatever gods or godesses you please, but they gotta be nice.

2. Keep it coool!

3. Graven images are ok - the RCs love 'em, but no fertility godesses, please. Think environmentally.

4. Thou shalt embrace DEEP ECOLOGY.

5. He prayeth best who loveth best all creatures great and small (Saint Samuel Coleridge) (see 4)

6. Thou shalt financially support thy pastors, and especially thy Bishop.

7. Thou shalt love everyone, everywhere, as often as possible.

8. Thou shalt not be a bigot.

9. Thou shalt support the BIG SOCIETY.

10. Thou shalt retweet me as often as physically possible, and desist from slagging off my cool hip jive. It's NOT out of date - the holy never is.

Yours in the love of whatever

Bishop Smirk

A Salute to Archbishop Vincent Nichols

Yes it's me, Bishop Bogus Smirk, at your service.

People have asked me why I am not listed in The Catholic Directory.

Simple, stupid!

I'm not a Papist.

I'm a Bishop of the Multi-credal, Universal, Gay-friendly, What-you-will, Universalist, Modernist Patriarchate, or, for short:

MUGWUMP.

And today I want, maybe a little late, to declare my solidarity with my separated brother, Archbishop Vincent Nichols, in London.

Why, you ask?

Because he SPEAKS THE TRUTH AND SPEAKS IT OUT!

1. He's on record as having said that mortal sin was an unsuccesful attempt to motivate the faithful. Unsuccesful = they weren't motivated!

Cuz there ain't no such thing as Mortal sin, folks. It was an invention of power-crazed clerical obscurantists in the Dark Ages, to spoil people's fun and keep them down, while monks and nuns, bishops and that lot enjoyed their alcohol-fuelled orgies.

No mortal sin means no Hell! Yay!

2. He does not rule out future LGTB marriage or female clergy!

No wonder he missed out on the red titfer!!

So, we are currently redesigning our liturgies to make them more full of sisterly, brotherly, and anyotherly love. Yup!

Come and see for yourself - don't be apart - be a part of our:

Women's liturgical dance - boy, we got some babes!

Men's liturgical dance - tame it ain't,

Topless women's drum circles,

LGBT love-ins,

Abortion/deep ecology/macrobiotic workshops.

We're compiling a New 10 Commandments - get a life, Moses.

So, once again, I salute you, separated but beloved brother Archbishop Vincent (tell-it how-it-is) Nichols.

You inspire me!!!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

HOLY NUISANCE

I've just read, and posted a comment on, Richard Collins's powerful post "What Do We Expect of a Bishop?" http://linenonthehedgerow.blogspot.com/2010/12/what-do-we-expect-of-bishop.html.

Catholics work hard at blogging. They, we, inform, encourage, support, tweet, and sometimes criticise each other. Some are learned and informative, some are prayerful, some, like me, are just angry.

I have a few slight talents, but an immense capacity for anger when I hear or read of a 'shiten shepherd' leading astray his 'clene shepe' (I like Chaucer, too) with misleading statements on matters of Faith, or feeding obscenities to their children (see the excellent John Smeaton, passim) through immoral sex-intruction teaching materials, or putting the favour of malignant megalomaniac over-paid windbags - the "great and the good" above the call to preach the Gospel.

I know I am not alone in my anger.

So would it be worth making a bigger nuisance of ourselves to weak, cowardly, place-seeking, empire buiding, anti-Papal (the list could go on and on) members of the hierarchy, if only to smoke them out?

In a Yorkshire parish, everyone sang 'ee bah gum!' instead of 'kumbayah'. The 'hymn' was dropped.

We could refuse to sing heretical nonsense at Mass.

We could stop giving money to the C.E.S and helping to pay for Greg Pope, and the scandal of unCatholic, obscene, and immoral sex-instruction in Catholic schools.

Ditto Cafod until it toes the line on 'reproductive health'.

Ditto red-nose day.

We could keep the Ecclestone Square bureaucrats busy with heavy dumps of mail after some dubious, idiotic, or plainly heretical pronouncement by a cleric or circular magician.

And we could be a bigger nuisance to government when it promotes or enforces by legislation, anti-Catholic practices.

Fancy being a Holy Nuisance?

I do.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I CANNOT IMAGINE THEM IN HELL

This story is, I believe, completely true, but I do not know how it ended. I am telling it only as an footnote to my last post.

Nine years ago when I was working for a homelessness charity in central London, I was key-worker to a young Muslim resident, aged 17, from a West African country. His parents, who were dead, had been Egyptian shopkeepers in a small town and during the civil war, militia arrived at the shop and told him, "We are going to kill your family, but if you are a brave boy and don't cry, you can come with us and be a soldier."

He was 13 years old.

He said they butchered his mother, father, and sisters in front of him, he did not cry, and for the next two years, until he was 15, he was an irregular soldier, killing, raping, using drugs, living in terror at what he was doing.

The most horrible thing he told me was that when they came across a pregnant woman, they would take bets on whether the child was a boy or a girl, and disembowel the woman to settle the matter.

He cried continually while telling this.

He escaped and made his way, a long way, to Zimbabwe, where he was cared for by Protestant missionaries who arranged and paid for him to come to London.

In London, he attended a secondary school in a South London suburb, where he passed his GCSEs while living rough on the streets. I telephoned his former head teacher who confirmed this.

When I knew him, he was still smoking cannabis, and perhaps sometimes crack cocaine. Without self-pity, he talked mainly about his feelings of remorse and guilt, and how he might atone to God for his wickedness.

He would not go to a mosque, so I spoke to a helpful mullah on his behalf, who said that God would accept his sorrow and penitence and forgive him. I did not need the mullah to tell me that, but he did. I am not sure he accepted the assurance.

Unfortunately the hostel closed and I never heard what happened to him, only that he had been given a flat.

I regularly pray for him and for so many of my clients (as we called them) from 2000-2005. In some ways they were the most penitent people, always trying and (like the rest of us) often failing to be the people they wanted to be.

And I cannot imagine them in Hell.

HELL? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Caveat: this is an inquiry, not dogmatic assertion. I am no theologian. Please don't get angry.

Long ago I read somewhere that St Augustine said or wrote that the Blessed in Heaven wouls be allowed a pain-free visit to Hell to witness for themselves the Justice of God. I can nowhere find any reference to this, but the idea has stayed with me for 40 years.

Hell certainly terrifies me, sometimes to the point of insomnia, not as a horror film adddict is pleasantly scared, but as the prospect of nuclear war scared most people during the Cuban missile crisis: as a terrible possibility which we know will happen to some people at some future time.

It's been fashionable (and not necessarily incorrect) for a long time now to picture Hell as a state of denial of the Beatific Vision, with the inevitable terrible grief and longing which that state would entail. Such an unassuageable spiritual hunger and thirst is both imaginable and terrifying.

The older picture is of fire, ice, unspeakable filth, and tormenting devils, as depicted by St Alphonsus Liguori, and if we accept, as we must, the Resurrection of the Body, it seems that physical torment will be part of the punishment in Hell.

Polish friends assert that St Faustina was a universalist and believed that, ultimately, everyone will be saved. Julian of Norwich seems to be of the same mind, asserting that "all shall be well". If St Faustina was right, the suffering will be terrible, but only temporary, perhaps only a few million years. Some Poles say that the canonisation of St Faustina may have put the Church's seal of approval on universalism.

The questions that exercise my mind are:

1. Would you or I wish such horror on the worst person who ever lived? I have to admit that, as to people whose sufferings I would like to witness on a Heavenly excursion to Hell, I might have a little list. But then, I am an unworthy, nasty, angry man.

2. Does God will such horror?

3. If not, why does He not prevent it, and allow for the ultimate presence in Heaven of everyone, however wicked? Jesus said ,"Their fire is not quenched", and I suppose He meant that it will last forever.

4. If He does will it, should we not rejoice in His will, and so in the triumph of Divine Justice, and so in the existence of Hell?

And therefore, should we not look forward to such an excursion as a chance to further understand and rejoice in God's Perfect Justice?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Is it me.....?

Am I the only non-Jew who finds the uttering of the Hebrew Holy Name of God (YHWH) objectionable?

It started about 50 years ago, was taken up in translations of the Bible, and is used in Bidding Prayers by the kind of people who refer to the Holy Spirit as 'the Spirit'.

I find it irreverent and offensive to our spiritual ancestors, the Jews.

Am I alone in this?

IN DEFENCE OF LYING or I THINK I MAY BE A HERETIC

I have read several blogs this last week which state, unequivocally, that it is always sinful to lie, even to save someone's life, and a fascinating entry in the New Advent Catholic encyclopoedia (http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/10195b.htm) on mental reservation, seems to support this view.

Hard cases, as lawyers say - or used to say, make bad law, but here are some hard cases:

In the last war, Polish Catholic Priests at risk of their own lives, forged baptismal documents, and the Home Army provided false non-Jewish birth certificates, for Jewish children who were taken into Catholic homes to avoid murder by the Germans. Lying? Certainly. Sin? Not in my opinion, just heroism.

Soldiers use camouflage and disinformation to deceive the enemy, as was done before the D Day landings in Normandy. Lying? Yup. Sin? Nope.

Captured Allied agents in Germany or Axis-occupied territory lied, even under torture, to save fellow agents, allies, or help their own country. A mortal sin? If so, one I may owe my life to.

Deceiving the enemy whether a foreign force, an occupying power, or in a civil war, in order to save the lives of others or your own: sin? No. Duty? Yes.

The police ask a Priest if Mr Badman has confessed to murdering his wife. The Priest, bound by the seal of the Confessional lies and says that he has not. A damned liar? I would not say so.

I would go further, and propose that a military or armed enemy or an evil civil power has no right to the truth, compared with the right people have to their lives.

I would propose even further that such an enemy should be routinely lied to and deceived directly and indirectly in any way which will make his purposes less realisable.

Satan is commonly referred to as the father of lies. Sometimes we lie, because the evil created by Satan gives us little choice.

So I guess I'm a heretic.

Huh!

Friday, November 26, 2010

9 MORE STUPID QUESTIONS

There's nowt so funny as folk.

The Holy Father has put forward a hypothetical situation in which a person engaging in a sinful act takes a precaution to limit a possible evil outcome of that act: a horrible disease.

Journalists, Catholics, Priests and laity, and anyone with an axe, or none, to grind, have applauded, condemned, sneered, panicked, run round squawking like headless chickens, describe it as you will.

So:

1. Was the Pope speaking ex cathedra? No.

2. If he was, has he changed Church teaching on the use of condoms? See 1.

3. If he wasn't speaking ex cathedra, or in a teaching capacity, has Church teaching changed? No.

3. If he wasn't (and we know he wasn't) why are people so excited?

4. Was he saying that using condoms in certain sexual situations may be good? I think not.

5. Or was he saying that the use of a condom in a certain sexual situation, while not good, may signify that the user is trying to mitigate evil, and that his intentions may not be exclusively evil? I think so.

6. And was he therefore simply saying that this putative person in this putative situation is showing a welcome sign of some sort of awakening moral awareness? I think so.

7. If you're at work, and a noise from the street draws you to the window, and you see a group of people belabouring each other with inflated condoms, do you go down to the street and join in?

8. Or do you watch in fascination?

9. Or do you just shrug and get on with your work?

I only asked.

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!

We're quite formal here in Poland. You say good day to everyone except priests and other Catholic clergy, where the usual greeting is, "May God make you happy". When you say goodbye to the priest etc, you say, "z Bogem - with God."

My first lesson in Poland, for me as well as my students, was at a large business where I was to teach the chairman, some of his senior staff, and some of the junior staff too. The first class was middle management, and a man about 40 years old, let's call him Waldek, asked me if I spoke any Polish. When I told him I knew only Dzień dobry - good day - his face lit up.

"Ah," he said, "That's fine for ordinary people, but when you are speaking to someone important, you must say, "O Kurwa! For example, if it's a policeman, or a priest, or a bishop, or especially if it's Mr Nowak, the chairman, you must say, 'O kurwa, Mr Nowak."

There was somethng in his eyes, and the others had it too, that said - 'Be careful!' After the lesson, I checked in the dictionary.

'Kurwa' means prostitute, but the Poles use it as English speakers use 'f***'.

Next lesson with Waldek, I told him I had greeted Mr Nowak with, "O kurwa!"

Waldek's face dropped. "You didn't! What did he say?"

"He asked me why I, a mere guest in Poland, chose to insult him at our first meeting, and so I told him I was only doing what you told me to."

Waldek looked sick. He has a wife and children to support, so I couldn't watch him suffer any longer.

Beware!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

NOT BORING ONLY IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN LANGUAGES

Polish 'tak' = English 'yes'
Polish 'nie' = English 'no'
Ok, easy so far.

Polish 'no' = something else.

First week in Poland and a neighbour dropped in to say hello. I asked him if he would like a beer (he spoke English) and he replied, "No."

We talked for 10 minutes or so, and then he said, "Where is my beer?"

"Sorry, I offered you a beer, and you said you didn't want one."

"No I didn't, I said, "'No.' That means 'yes' in Polish."

Shortly afterwards I nearly caused a fatal accident when the mechanic who was driving my UK left-hand drive car asked me if it was safe to overtake, and I replied, "No." Should have said, "Nie."

Said with a slightly rising intonation, 'no' can mean:

Ok,
Really?
Go on - tell me more!
Just as I thought,
and many more..

In a recent episode of a Polish soap opera, in which a gunman has barricaded himself into a flat, a huge policeman gently pushes aside two smaller colleagues who are ineffectually trying to break down the door, bursts it in with one deft movement of his shoulder, turns his head to the camera, and says...."No?"

Here the meaning is clearly, 'What did you think of that, then?'

Friday, November 19, 2010

Respect Your Local Commissar/Gauleiter

Brian's excellent post on why Catholics and the Church should not be over-concerned with popularity amongst secular society (http://catholiccitizenamerica.blogspot.com/) has sent me back to my last but one post - Where are You Coming From?

Some more thoughts:

Saint Paul in Romans 13: 1-7 enjoins respect for and obedience to the magistrates, their authority being derived from God. Considering what went on under the Roman Empire, I find his view startling, even though his missionary journeys were no doubt, made much easlier by the Roman provision of good roads.

An attitude possibly acceptable to Catholics might be:

1. Not to shrink from obeying a wise and just law, just because it was made by someone or some people of whom one disapproves. (Eeyore: "A thing Rabbit made!" Jumps on sticks.) After all, a good law should prescribe or forbid something we would willingly do or not do from conscience. We should be our own magistrate and police.

2. Not to shrink from disobeying an unjust, wrong-headed, evil law. Such action, performed circumspectly and with due regard for the possible penalties for infraction, is not merely a duty but a pleasure.

3. Where the institution or government which made the law is intrinsically evil (Nazism, Soviet Communism), frustration of the law, subversion, sabotage directed at the authorities and their supporters (not at the innocent public) can be morally justified, so that even if the law in question is not in itself unjust or unacceptable, but its infraction may weaken, destabilise, or frustrate such a governemnt, then such law-breaking is justified.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

WHEN WE PRAY FOR THE DEAD......

we should remember the countless Africans, known only to God, who were thrown overboard on their terrible voyage to the Americas and slavery, in order to lighten cargo during storms.

Imagine their lonely terror and despair, drowning with God only knows what gods to pray to.

WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM?

Before the last war Peter Drucker heard in Germany a nazi party official explaining to a crowd in the street, "We don't want high bread prices. We don't want low bread prices. We don't want the same bread prices. We want national socialist bread prices."

Mad? Certainly, but for me understandably mad.

A wise African is said to have remarked to a Christian missionary, "How can I hear what you say, when what you are is deafening me?"

Not mad, but perfectly understandable.

St Paul exhorted the early Christians to be submissive to the magistrates, because their authority is ultimately derived from God. (Somebody please give me the reference, because I'm temporarily without a New Testament in English.)

Maybe I'm a leetle bit heretical, but I have never been able to accept what St Paul said here. After all, Jesus described Satan as the prince of this world. I will obey wise and just laws, made by a wise, just, and good government (in a sense acceptable to my Catholic conscience). Laws made by moral aliens are facts, like gravity, to be circumvented, frustrated, subverted, overcome.

If I were to live in a future Caliphate of Europe, I would regard it as a duty to eat pork, drink alcohol, and do anything else I safely could to undermine the government.

As I have already said, I admire devout Muslims, but not their religion.

I have a great affection for Jews I have known, but if I were forced (yes, highly unlikely) to live in a future Hassidic state, I would spend much of my time drinking pork and lobster milk-shakes. And being outrageously Catholic.

Prim parliamentary killjoys in the UK make normal people (like me) want to be drunk as owls and smoke like chimneys.

The UK is not just a secular state - it countenances religions only insofar as it may be a useful tool of control, viz Blair's 'Faith Foundation'. It is in effect anti-religious. Those of a religious persuasion who live under it should, like Hotspur, "cavil at the ninth part of a hair".

His Holiness has called for us Catholics to be a creative minority, and I hope many of us are.

I would add to that, we should be a disruptive minority, and endeavour to make sure that anti-Catholic, anti-life, evil government cannot work.

We should not be following the example of the English Hierarchy in cosying up to those powerful and prestigious interests which are seeking the destruction of the family, childhood innocence, authentic religion (by describing it as culture), and all inconvenient morality.

Thank God I have the good fortune to live in Poland, where abortion is almost non-existent, and both Church and family are strong and resilient. Here I can be that bizarre creature - a patriotic non-Pole. I can comfortably respect the law, police, and judges.

Ultimately, however, I am a citizen of my own skin, owing allegiance only to God, to the Church, to those I love, and to the Truth.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

11.11.2010 SPARE A THOUGHT AND A PRAYER

We should spare a thought and a prayer today for all those who gave up their lives to buy our freedom.

If they could ask us what we have done with what they bought so dearly, how would we answer?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

MUSLIMS - IF ONLY THEY WERE CATHOLIC

H. G. Wells pointed out a curious inconsistency amongst Catholics when he said that if he believed that the Sacred Species were indeed the Body and Blood of God, he would spend his time in church.

Do Catholic really believe this, or do they believe and not really care too much?

Before Poland, I worked in London in the old Bow Town Hall, where there was an excellent Morrocan restaurant run by a Morrocan, a 'liberal' Muslim, who drank whisky and was a lover of European and Arab history in which he was something of a scholar, and a poet. He became very devout during Ramadan.

His chef was an Egyptian, and a devout 'fundamentalist' Muslim. Every Friday, knowing I was a Catholic, he would invite me to join him after work at the Regent's Park Mosque.

"The Imam is excellent," he would say, "and after prayers, he will answer all your questions, and you will simply say a few words, and you too will be a Muslim"

"And the, er, operation?"

"You are a man. It is nothing."

God bless him for his zeal and charity!

An Iraqui minicab driver, during a short trip, also tried, telling me that God would forgive me if I murdered my mother, but not if I persisted in saying that He had a Son. "It's so easy - just a few words, three times..."

And bless him too.

I am still a Catholic. I do not accept Islam, but I very much like the more devout Muslims I have met and known, for their whole-hearted enthusiasm for and faith in their religion. They would make brilliant Catholics.

For what is our Faith if it does not permeate every fibre of our being, making life sometimes difficult and uncomfortable, even dangerous? A religion to live fight and die for.

If I get to Heaven, I expect to meet more 'fundamentalist' Muslims, Protestants, mistaken though they were, than 'liberal' time-serving Catholics.

Monday, November 8, 2010

SELECTIVE COMPASSION

At school 50 years ago we were taught woodwork - really cabinet making - from age 11 to 16. So good was the teaching that 15 years later when I bought an old house in London, I was able to make Georgian wooden sash windows, cupboards, and even doors with proper joints and panels - and sell the house.

The teacher was capabable, clever, and popular. When he saw any boy do something dangerous, careless, or silly with a chisel or saw, he would hand him a piece of rough timber, with instructions on the size of the finished article, and leave the boy to prepare it.

"Put down that bradall and come here Wright (me), you clot! What did I tell you about chiselling or bradalling towards your hand or body? (slap!) What shall I say to your mother when the doctor tells her to stop your violin lesson because you've no tendons in you left hand? (slap!) OK, take this piece of wood...."

Only when the wood was of the right length, breadth, and thickness, right-angled and planed, would it be used to whack the boy on the backside. Terrible! Child abuser!! Pervert!!!

15 years later, when I was teaching at a school in Watford, the equally capable and clever woodwork master had to get rid of all sharp tools, because the pupils might stab each other. Wood had to be shaped using a safe grinding wheel. The pupils could make nothing of interest.

Dom Philip Jebb, Headmaster of Downside told me 20 years ago that he had had either to discontinue beating at the school, or declare in the prospectus, "We will beat your son." I gathered he thought corporal punishment to be at times an efficient behavioural modifier, though with a negative public image.

In these more compassionate times, such practices reek of the Dark Ages/the Marquis de Sade/the Spanish Inquisition/an expensive brothel - you may choose your own horrors.

I think of busy, kindly men, doing their best for the kids they had to teach, and doing it well.

Smacking a child can send you to gaol, with a lifelong legal requirement to register as a child-abuser at you local police station.

The same legal system allows the excruciatingly painful killing of unborn childrem; it sends 16 year-olds to juvenile prisons like Feltham, where they may be raped or otherwise maltreated or stabbed (or so ex-inmates have told me). It knows of no compassion beyond the sentimental.

It's all about feeling and seeming good. The slapped child, the executed murderer make us feel bad.

The aborted child and the violated young offender make us feel nothing, because we don't have to see them.

Stupid and wicked.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Is it Possible to Insult a Pro-Abortionist?

There seems to be criticism from pro-lifers of other pro-lifers, relating to comparisons made between pro-aborters and nazis.

This is apparently 'unacceptable' firstly because it diminishes, in some way, the horror of the Shoah, and secondly because there is no parity between the well-intentioned efforts of those who support 'a woman's right to choose', and the barbaric scourge of Europe 65 years ago, and such comparison is therefore insulting.

As to the first, the numbers speak for themselves.

As for the second, pro-aborters argue that the foetus is not a person, and is therefore less than human, an 'untermensch' to use the nazis' more robust language.

The nazis, after all, introduced abortion into Poland in 1940.

Perhaps I need re-educating, but for me it is hard to imagine an adequate insult for those who demean others in order to justify murder, whether 70 years ago or now.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

A VERY THEORETICAL MORAL QUESTION

In the days before global villagism, there was a tired old moral question expressed thus:

If there was a button on your desk, and every time you pressed it, you would be a million pounds richer, and someone would die in far-away China, how often would you press the button?

I've never found money very interesting, but change the results a little, and my ears do indeed prick up.

If I had a button on my desk, and every time I pressed it a child would be saved from abortion, and lightning would strike and kill an abortionist, or pro-abortion legislator, or facilitator, or vociferous and effectual promoter, or someone who legislates or agitates to forcibly teach my grandchildren the rightness of intrinsically immoral acts, then what would I do?

And what would you do?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Bullies and Victims

When I was at school, and later as a teacher, it was plain that nobody bullied the strong, the dangerous, the vociferous, or the bully. Life after school is no different. Stalin famously said that God is on the side of the big batallions, and, express it as you will, strength, determination, courage, and a certain recklessness can be very useful worldly weapons, whether faced with a physical, a moral, or a spiritual enemy.

Backed by religion, as history shows, they can be nigh on invincible.

Christian civilisation and the Church are faced with physical, moral and spiritual enemies, and I would include the state (with its temporal powers of coercion, imprisonment, fines, compulsory miseducation, and assaults on the family) as a physical, as well as a spiritual and moral, enemy.

The supine passivity of the Hierarchy in England with its mealy-mouthed approach to a hostile government which seems bent on the Frankfurt School's aim of changing society by detroying the family, is a prime example of how not to do it.

We are told that we should, as Christians, be courteous and gentle in debate. Were Jesus, John the Baptist, St Thomas More, always courteous and gentle in debate?

Veritas in caritate? No, truth IS charity.

The employment of Greg Pope by the C.E.S., symptomatic of the tolerance and even promotion of dissent and disloyalty of our spiritual shepherds, is just a straw in the wind. Jon Snow's inexplicable presence at Cafod's celebrations is another. The faithful are bewildered.

The camel's back, to mix metaphors, is the Faith, moral fibre, and guts of believers, which are being constantly weakened by the lack of those qualities in their spiritual Leaders.

Christian Europe owes so much to those who preached, missionised, witnessed, were martyred, and fought the good fight, whether with words or weapons.

Let us not forget our history. Christianity, civilisation and justice were preserved by people prepared to confront, fight, die - and win.

Friday, October 22, 2010

John Lennon or Joan of Arc? Gandhi or Don John of Austria? Lytton Strachey or Churchill?

You're in a foxhole.

Choose!

HURRAH ME SOUL, SAYS I. ME SHILLELAGH I LET FLY

Over at The Catholic Whistle, Paul Mallinder's excellent and ever-interesting blog, he speculates about why the Tatchells of this world direct their spleen against the Catholic Church, but say little or nothing about Islam, or Mohammedanism, as we used to call it.

His answer - and I think the right one - is fear.

I prefer 'cowardice'.

Muslims strike back. Catholics don't any more. Why not?

Is this non-violence of Christ and so truly Christian, or Catholic? If it were, I would have to admire it. But I suggest that it is not always from Jesus. He, too, could be violent, as witness the apisode when He drove the money-changers from the Temple.

In fact, most soi-disant liberal Catholics, who are flipsy-flopsy on abortion and contraception, are hard-line against violence whether to people or animals. They don't fight, they don't hunt, but they vociferously support the killing of the unborn.

Why? Because they have married the liberal, sentimental spirit of the age and, as someone said, will soon, thank God, be widowed. They haven't the guts to stand up for the Truth. The approval of liberal windbags is enough for them.

Catholic Europe survived because of people who thought differently. To protect what they loved and believed, they went to war.

Victory at Lepanto, at the Battle of Vienna, on the Vistula in 1920, and in the Second World War was not brought about by passive resistance, but by people who fought, killed, died, and won.

I'm glad that we had Churchill, not Gandhi.

We still, some of us, as Catholics, celebrate Lepanto. But would we follow its example?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A SUBJECT OF BEELZEBUB IS DRIVING ME TO DISTRACTION

One of the surprises of living in Poland, out of town, is the size of the wildlife. A friend killed a viper which was curled up in his outide loo. English vipers are usually small, less than a foot long. His was three feet long (he showed the dead body to me) and about 5 inches thick. He's a Pole, and said that its bite could be fatal.

Insect are big, too, and grasshoppers two or three inches long which bite if picked up, hornets two inches, and mosquitos big and aggressive. Mosquito nets are normal here.

Worst are the flies, the small type, about half the size of a normal house fly. There is one in the room with me now, flying as expertly as a Spitfire pilot with one injured wing. He's been my evening companion for about a week, homing in to bite if I am less than vigilant. The bite is quite painful, and dirty.

Yes I have fly spray, and have given him point-blank bursts so he spirals away like a stricken Messerschmitt, but flies back, unharmed and sneering, to land on my face. He's an enemy of useful work, noisy, a night-biter, and indestructible.

He's a corrupter of morals. I want to design a tiny rack to rack him with, boil him in (sunflower) oil, return him to his lord, Beelzebub. I'm angry, uncharitable and, unless I can get him with the fly-swatter, defenceless.

Muslims believe that flies, rats, and mice are Satan's work. My favourite Jesuit, 20 years dead, Father Tracy of Farm Street, believed that Satan had infected Creation, and even evolution, to produce tigers, crocodiles, HIV and the like.

Makes sense to me.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Stalin Joke No 4

Early on a beautiful summer morning Stalin gets out of bed, goes to the window, and draws the curtains back.

The Sun is shining, and, to Stalin's surprise, says, "Good morning, Comrade Stalin."

"Good morning," replies Stalin, wondering about the strength and quality of the previous night's vodka.

In the afternoon, taking a break from his work, Stalin goes into the garden. The Sun again greets him, "Good afternoon, Comrade Stalin, Great Teacher!"

"Good afternoon, and thank you," replies Stalin.

In the evening, at the end of a glorious day, Stalin is again in the garden and looks up at the setting Sun. "Good evening, he says, tentatively.

"Sod off, you stupid commie bastard!" replies the Sun.

"Why are you so rude now, when you were so polite before?" asks Stalin.

"Ha! Ha! I'm in the West now."

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

HAVIN' IT LARGE

Yup, it's me, Ol' Smirky, and I'm back, much to Leftfooter's chagrin. Poor guy thinks I'm a hacker, but he hasn't cottoned on that I'm just his liberal alter ego! Heh! Heh!

When I was at school, our R.E. teacher told us that Jesus wasn't talking about Heaven, pie in the sky, and all that stuff. No!

He was talking about having life abundantly - here and now, on Planet Earth! Talking about -

HAVIN' IT LARGE!

Not the Kingdom of Heaven, but the Rule of God.

And was that schoolteacher right? Right on!

Sooo, that's what we Catholic Christians should be doing - having it Large!

The Big Vision. The Big Society!

Tony Blair and his Faith Foundation really hit the nail on the head when they opined that all Faiths have a part to play in forging a better, fairer, Britain.

Catholic Voices too. They really smacked down John Smeaton and his hardline 'prolife' bunch of reactionaries.

Talk about Taleban Catholics!

On second thought, no, please don't. We've all had about enough of them, from Pio Nono to anti-Semite Pius XII, not to mention all the other Catholic nutters.

We should be proud to play our part, as a really inclusive church, in creating a bigger, better Britain.

So, let's be a really Catholic Church (Catholic = universal = inclusive), and open our doors and break bread with all who sincerely seek the Truth, whether our Muslim brethren, or Hindus, or Wiccans, or Uncle Tom Cobbley and All.

And, maybe, the next Pope will be a Unitarian.

Remember - THINK BIG!

Friday, September 10, 2010

I'M BEING HACKED INTO

It seems that a dissenting Bishop called Smirk has hacked into my blog. He seems to be hinting that he is backed by "circular magicians", whoever they may be (Plese see previous blog).

How do I rid my blog of this dysrational poltroon?

Exorcism?

From Bishop Smirk - Bats in My Belfry!!!

Well, how's that for fast-track promotion, eh? Priest to bishop in a year! Banzai!

Thanks, you circular magicians!!

We're Catholic, ok, and Catholics are logical and reasonable, so let's be logical and reasonable.

OK by you, Papa B16? Yup? Sorry, jawohl? Ok so here goes.

God made everything, ok so far?

That includes lions, tigers, sharks, bats - you still with me?

Bats are cute, great. I got bats in the belfry, as they say. And I listen to my bats. They squeak pure common sense to me!

God made gays, right? Everything He made is good, ok B16?

So gays are good! QED!

But gays are better than good. They're ECOLOGICAL!

The world's biggest problem? Too many people! And LGBT folk don't tend to have kids - so,....great for Our World.

AND, a bonus point! Gay adoption is great. Konrad Lorenz showed 60 years ago, that young animals and birds imprint on whoever or whatever they see as their parents.

So LGTB adopted kids will I guess be LGTB as well. So fewer people in the world.

Bingo!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

OK, MAYBE I'M THICK, BUT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW

1 Is it a truth that, as we pray, so we believe (lex orendi lex credendi)?

2 If it isn't true, why did those early, headstrong, bigoted, un-nuancing, bloody-minded Christians choose death rather than burn a pinch of incense on Caesar's altar?

3 If it is true, how would Archbishop Nichols explain, or nuance, the flowers he laid on a Hindu altar in Willesden?

4 Is the Pope infallible when he speaks ex cathedra on matters of Faith and morals?

4 If he isn't infallible, and the doctrines and dogmas of the Catholic Church are a bit, shall we say, dodgy in places, will I still get to Heaven (if there is one) if I start my own church of Diogenes (no, not the Saint) and retire to a sunny barrel somewhere? (Yes, I know what he did in the barrel)

5 If he is, Why don't you rejecters of infallible Papal teaching go and...found you own church of saint Diogenes and.....?

6 I know there are groups for Catholic homosexuals, homosexualists, leathermen (in San Francisco, apparently ok'd by the Jesuits), for Catholics supporting female ordination, and so on.

What I want to know is: is there a group for lazy Catholics like me who don't want to have to go to Mass and all that boring stuff?

7 If not, isn't it time I started one? Isn't it time, that the Church, as Tony Blair said, caught up with what the people in the pew really believe?

8 If there is such a group, what does Vincent Nichols have to say about it.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Non-Stalin Joke, Translated from the Polish.

A policeman on duty finds a dead body lying on the kerb. He gets out his notebook to record the incident, licks his pencil, writes the date, time, name of street, and then comes to "location of the incident".

He writes, 'curb', no, that's not how you spell it; 'cerb?', no, that's not right; 'kurb?', no; 'korb?'.

He gives up trying to spell, kicks the body off the kerb, and writes 'rode'.

Stalin Joke No 3 (the last for a while)

Stalin, the Great Teacher and Lover of Children is due to visit a primary school in a distant village. The terrified headmistress anxiously primes the children with the right things to say.

The day, and the Great Man arrive. Stalin, beaming, sits in front of the assembled teachers and pupils, and asks a little girl,

"Do you like your school?"

"The Soviet Union has the best schools in the world," she replies.

To a little boy, "And are your teachers good at their job?"

"The Soviet Union has the best teachers in the world," he replies.

To a third child, "And what about school meals?"

Child, well drilled and terrified, gives predicatable repliy.

Suddenly a little boy at the back of the class bursts into tears.

"What is the matter?" asks Stalin.

"I wish I lived in the Soviet Union," sobs the boy.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Stalin Joke 2

The great Thinker and Teacher receives a delegation of Georgians in his office, and when they have gone, can't find his pipe.

He immediately telephones Beria. "See if one of them has taken my pipe."

A minute later, he finds his pipe on the windowsill. He telephones Beria, "It's all right. I've found it."

"Too late, Josef Vissarionovich."

"What do you mean, Lavrentiy Pavlovich, too late?"

"Half of them have confessed, and been liquidated. The other half unfortunately died under interrogation."

Stalin chuckles and fills his pipe.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Stalin Joke 1

Jokes about Stalin abound, all bitterly cynical. Humour was of course an important safety valve for people in the Warsaw Pact countries.

It's Stalin's birthday in 1950, and the Great Teacher is making a speech to a vast audience of commisaars etc.

About three hours into his oration, someone in the audience sneezes.

Stalin stops, hands on hips, and asks mildly, "Who sneezed?"

Silence.

Again he asks, "Who sneezed?"

Again silence.

"Guards," he says gently, "shoot the front row."

The guards obey, and the front row slumps to the floor.

"Again I ask who sneezed?"

Again silence. "Guards, shoot the back row."

They obey.

Then a man in the middle stands up. "It was I who sneezed, Comrade Stalin."

Stalin beams. "Bless you!"

71 YEARS AGO TODAY

Today the new semester starts in Polish schools, and in the little town where I live and teach, we started with Mass at the church, the local state schools too, followed by a ceremony at the communist era social-realism war memorial.

The mayor, who is everyone's friend, spoke movingly of the cruelty and barbarity of the occupation by Germany, during which 6 million Poles, half of them Jews, were murdered. He thanked God that Poland survived and is now free.

Among the people present were two of the parish priests, old soldiers in their spledid uniforms, the police, the fire brigade, teachers, school pupils, and ordinary citizens.

At 11 o'clock, the air-raid sirens sounded. A memory of my childhood in wartime London, when I had to listen for the siren, as my grandmother was stone-deaf.

Then each of the groups present laid flowers at the memorial and bowed. A little dog following one group to the memorial stretched out its front paws and, believe it or not, bowed too, not comic but moving.

We sang the Polish National Anthem and went our ways.

Thank God here piety and honour are still very much alive.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What Do They Want With Me?

Yesterday I discovered that I am being followed on Twitter by foreignoffice (the Foreign and Commonwealth Office) of the U.K..

They follow 14,966 other people too, many with Pope Visit "twibbons".

They follow Father Tim Finigan (The Hermeneutic of Continuity blog here).

Have I said something they don't like? Most certainly I have.

Should I be worried, or should I ask my doctor for anti-paranoia pills?

Hmmmmm!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Catholic Education? Don't Be Daft, Lad

On the necesity of a Catholic Education – the Importance of the early years.

When I was six, my grandfather, a fine man in his way, a Mancunian, who had dragged himself up (his words) from being a colliery shunter to the dignity of a suit and a civil service job, told me that there was no Father Christmas.

“But he brings me presents,” I countered.

“Don’t be so daft, lad! Your Mam and Grandma and I put them in your room while you’re asleep. Father Christmas is a fairy tale – like God. God was invented by the ruling class to keep the lower class in order. You can’t believe all that rubbish.”

And so, I became a terrified agnostic and remained so until I was thirteen, unable to sleep at night for fear of a me-less universe, lying awake in the dark trying to imagine non-existence, until I was saved by GKC’s Father Brown.

Enough of me.

But is this what Catholics want for their children?

To expose them, at an age when they’re unarmed in their Faith, to the fully-armed secularism of the government, keeping the lower orders under control by destroying dissent to its inclusive doctrines?

To leave them in the sweetshop of multicultural education, where all beliefs and none are equal, so long as they leave God out of it?

To expose them to a supposedly Catholic education, and have them told by a Catholic teacher to roll condoms onto hockey sticks?

To have them told by a Catholic catechist that the Body and Blood of Christ are a joyful meeting, party, and meal, just like Diwali or Eid ul Fatr etc, etc?

And all this without any armoury, except what the family can provide, to defend what they want to and ought to believe.

Because this is what they will get, from the Catholic Education Service of England and Wales.

Happy with that?

Friday, August 27, 2010

Religious Intolerance - HUH!

(Thanks to Love in the Ruins for the lead to this story.)

So Dorota Rabczewska, a young Polish singer, will be prosecuted in Poland for insulting religious feeling. Please note, 'religious feeling', and not 'the Catholic Church'.

She said, silly girl, that the Bible was written by drunks and people who liked herbal cigarettes.

If this is not insulting, what is?

If I chose, as a resident in Poland, to insult the religious feelings of Catholics, Jews, Muslims (Tatars have been here for over 600 years) or Protestants, I would, rightly, face the same treatment.

I am a Catholic. If someone came into my house and insulted my God, my Church, my Saints, or my Scriptures, I would, as my strength permitted, ....you can use your imagination.

Have a nice day!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Faith Schools - A View

What are they for?

They exist to provide education within the religious framework prescribed by the trustees or some similar body. This may be Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim, or whatever. The ethos of the school will reflect its religious affiliation, as will the religious instruction or education given.


Are they successful at it?

My daughters attended an independent Catholic convent school, run by the I.B.V.M., an order of nuns. The headmistress was a nun as were some of the teachers. One daughter removed herself when her class were told to roll condoms onto hockey sticks. The other just refused to take part. We were told that we had to remember that there were many non-Catholics amongst the pupils. The daughter who walked out enrolled at the local grammar school, where she found more Catholics, teachers and pupils. Maybe they are good at it, but not always.


Are they a good thing or a bad thing?

Secularists: No, they promote superstition and irrational belief, and inhibit social cohesion. Or as O’Neill asserts in spiked-on-line, they are so incompetent at religious education as to be harmless , I guess like the village idiot at the “Ball of Kerriemuir”.

Religious parents: If they deliver education in the appropriate religious framework, as they should, yes. In my experience, not always. When successful, they provide a caring environment, rigorous teaching, and an atmosphere which promotes the development of pupils’ faith. The Catholic sixth form college in Poland where I teach is an excellent example.

Ambitious parents: Very good. The teachers and pupils are ‘nicer’ and the discipline better. For this reason there is a rush to enroll in church congregations in time to get children’s names down on ‘the list’ for popular church schools.

Pupils: I don’t know. According to O’Neill, they fail to impart belief. My children were not happy at the watered-down Catholicism they were exposed to, and we had to spend a lot of time at home presenting Catholic teaching in accordance with the Catechism, and explaining how and why the school had got it wrong. This was not surprising, bearing in mind the abysmal level of catechesis in the UK then and now.


Certainly there should be faith schools, because parents want them for their children, and the family, whatever its religion, or none, as the primal unit of society, has rights over and above those of social engineers. However it is arguable that there should be fewer, catering for only genuine practicing believers of reasonably long standing, and employing teachers of the relevant religious persuasion. They should not be admitting children of non-believer parents who simply want something better than the local comprehensive. Those parents should be agitating for better state schools.

If a faith school has no faith, and is imparting no faith, it is fraudulent and should close, or cease to receive public funding.

Put up, or close down.

Drinking and Staying Sober in Poland

An enthusiastic young doctor I met at a wedding in Oxford told me he believed that the UK medical profession now understood why Poles are so healthy.

“It’s the vodka they drink. They drink it for breakfast, mid-morning break, lunch, dinner, supper - all the time.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well, you live in Poland. Don’t you?”

They put it down to the polar bear steaks they eat. They hunt them in the forests around Lublin.”

No, Poles don’t drink non-stop, or eat bears, but they do enjoy alcohol, and they know how to handle it. They say they are so healthy because they eat an enormous amount of cabbage, raw, cooked, pickled, and fermented. Old Polish joke: "Why are Poles so good? Because Satan hates cabbage."

They also ferment cucumbers. Wonderful! Fermentation leads us on to drinking in Poland

Polish beer is a bit like lager, only sharper in taste. All the brands are good.

Vodka, about 40% alcohol, is the staple of the Polish party, and it is not unusual for someone to drink half a litre in an evening, and yet not be perceptively drunk: more friendly, sometimes more religious, but never in my five years’ experience, aggressive or incapable. A taxi home is a must, as people staggering in the street are routinely arrested, given a cell for the night, followed by an excellent breakfast, and a bill for one night’s rent.

Spiritus, about 95-97% alcohol is added to fruit juice or maybe cola, but is not something to drink on its own. It’s very good for cleaning car windscreens.

Bimber is the Polish equivalent of poteen, distilled at home – it’s illegal to make more of it than for your personal use. The strength varies from high to astronomical. Treat it with care.

Nalewka is vodka or spiritus or bimber which has been used to marinate fruit – often cherries. Delicious, but be wary.

Fermented cabbage and cucumbers? Not joking. Duck’s blood soup? Wonderful.

Decency Is Not Enough

A German woman told me, some 40 years ago, that before the war, her parents who were teachers living in Berlin, witnessed a riot during which a policeman had his eye deliberately gouged out by a communist. As soon as it was safe to leave their flat, they went to the local Nazi party offices and enrolled.

As someone said, “No one is more dangerous than a decent person with a sense of outrage”.

I smell danger now. England long ago ceased to be a religious country, but most of its population, until fairly recently, retained ideas of decency. As Harold Macmillan famously said, “Without religion, there is only decency. Decency is good, but it is not enough.”

Decency is vulnerable to the false idea of “fair play”.Think of the noble stupidity of the English allowing the heathen Danes to cross the causeway at Maldon. Think of the legislation since 1967 which has so undermined morals and decency: it has all appealed to that same decency.

Ending “back street” abortions – what decent person wants a woman to die in a botched abortion?

Legalising homosexual acts – what decent person wants otherwise law-abiding people subjected to blackmail, arrest, shame, and so on?

Lowering the age of homosexual consent to 16 – what decent person (well I for one) wants to deny anyone over that age of consent the right to be truly himself/herself? (or deny the right of elderly homosexual roués to enjoy sex with teenagers?)

Outlawing “hate speech” – no decent person would speak hatefully of another.

God forbid!

Err…Who?

So, the appeal to decency has resulted in:

Horrible and painful death for the unborn,

Aggressive homosexualism, and the teaching even in Catholic schools that homosexual acts are “acceptable”,

The corruption of minds and hearts,

The curtailment of free speech, so that religions are barred from stating their conscientious opposition to certain types of behaviour,

A vigorous and lucrative sex industry.

We can either go along with this, as the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales and their Education Service seem to be doing, or we, too, can get aggressive and draw lines in the sand.

Civil disobedience is preferable to outright violence, and certainly preferable to a new Hitler, riding on the backs of the outraged.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Shorn Canary and the Police

I arrived In Poland In July 2005, armed with a copy of some phrase-book-guide, perhaps the “Rough Guide” - I don’t remember. What I do remember is the advice it gave about dealings with the Polish police – don’t smile, don’t laugh, don’t try to be friendly. If you do, you could get into serious trouble.
Having registered my presence and address in Poland at the local town hall, I thought I had done everything necessary. A few days later, two very polite, friendly, policemen called at my house. Could they talk to me? Just routine.

Of course.

I made them coffee, and they asked to see my UK passport and Polish papers. Then the questions.

Why are you living in Poland?

I work here.

Is Poland as nice as England?

Nicer.

Are you English?

No, British. I’m a Celt, part Scottish, part Irish, part Welsh, and a little English.

Shorn canary!

I beg your pardon?

Shorn canary – Scottish actor – James Bond. Are you like him?

Sean Connery – yes, he’s Scottish/Irish.

And what do you think of Polish women?

Very beautiful. I now say, “Very Catholic”.

Satisfied, they left, after enquiring about the cost of English lessons.

A few days later, driving on a lonely local road, a police car came towards me. Its blue light started flashing and there was a quick blip from the siren. I stopped. The police car stopped.

“Please, what have I done?”

“Shorn canary!” from the two policeman, and big grins.

Love Poland.

Loathsome Mantras

Loathsome Mantras – You Always Hear Them When You Haven’t Got a Gun

Two wrongs don’t make a right
Usually heard in conversations about capital punishment, this begs the questions:
Is the death penalty actually in itself, wrong?
Is it just to spend money (which could house the poor) on keeping a murderer in gaol?
Is capital punishment not a signal of the perception of murder as abhorrent?
Is it a bad thing to show criminals how angry we are?

It takes all sorts to make a world
Oh really? Hitler, Stalin, Henry VIII, Herod?

Bigot
Someone who believes that two diametrically opposed assertions cannot both be true. Makes sense to me.

Fundamentalist
Someone who believes as strongly as, but differently from someone else.


Extremist
Someone whose strongly held beliefs, usually religious, impinge on every aspect of their life. Admirable. If their beliefs are different from mine and threaten to impinge on my life, a Crusade is called for.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Vodka - Not Just Spirit, But Spiritual

When you go to a party at someone's house in Poland, you take presents: flowers for the wife, and vodka for the husband. The wife will probably drop a little curtsey as you hand her the flowers, and the husband smile beatifically, kiss the bottle, and chortle. The Poles are mostly naturally ceremonious and civilised, regardless of class.

The first party I went to in Poland was in someone's flat - I forget whose - and followed what I was later to learn was the usual pattern, excellent food and what then seemed a staggering quantity of vodka.

After about 2 or 3 hours, and half a litre, I went out on to the balcony to cool off. The other men all followed me, leaving the ladies to make coffee.

A young man asked me, "Do you love God, Chris?"

Before I had time to reply, he continued, "I don't. He's too big to love. But I love Jesus, and Our Pope (John Paul), and the Saints, of course."

In England, this would have been an extraordinary conversational gambit at a party of "professional people", and in very bad taste. The miscreant would have been starved of further invitations. In Poland, as the vodka flows, that's how people talk, about God, history, politics, poetry.

Vodka is not just spirituous, it's spiritual.

Cogidubnus, a Proud Briton, Fishbourne, West Sussex

Written 20 years ago for my children, after a visit to Fishbourne Palace. Any merit it has is purely sentimental. To the tune of "Oh my name is Macnamara - I'm the leader of the band".


O my name is Cogidubnus. I'm the leader of the Celts,
An I'm a more important Celt than anybody else.
My palace is the largest and the finest in the road,
And when the Governor comes to tea I'm the proudest man in woad.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF........YOUR SUGGESTIONS PLEASE

WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT IF……..PLEASE ADD YOUR OWN

Dissident Catholics cleared off and joined the Unitarians, or whatever

Richard Dawkins just shut up

Pope Benedict XVI had not backed down over his quotation from Paleologus about the irreconcilability of Islam with Catholicism

Catholic clergy stopped being so bloody polite and called a spade a spade

The Tablet either became Catholic or went bankrupt

The Church officially recognized the Catholic victories at Lepanto, Vienna, and the Vistula, and stopped playing down the triumph of good over evil, especially as such triumph is so rare

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Commmon Good, Part II

The "common good" is a fine and noble concept, but as used by those whose idea of "good" is opposed to ours, it is an empty slogan, and of no weight.

Another phrase, not so easily hijacked by the enemy, is needed.

For they are the enemy.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Common Good

We are lone individuals. As Matthew Arnold wrote,

"Between us lies
"The unplumbbed, salt, estranging sea."

and as Kipling said,
“For the sins that ye sin by two, by two
Ye shall pay for, one by one.”

And yet we seem to yearn for the common good. Individualism is, we are told, a bad thing, and the common good is paramount. So how about a moral litmus test? Do you agree with the following as "common good" propositions?

Please try to avoid using common sense.

1 There are too many people in the world, so contraception and abortion are good things.
2 Treating the terminally ill wastes resources which could be better used elsewhere. Therefore some form of euthanasia is a good thing.
3 My car pollutes our environment, so I must walk, cycle, or use public transport.
4 Religion is good if it promotes social cohesion.
5 Religion, if taken to extremes, does not promote social cohesion, so it is bad.
6 Public display of religious symbols does not promote social cohesion, so it is bad.
7 Excellence breeds envy and discontent, so it is bad.
8 Clever children should not be taught with other clever children, and by clever teachers, as this is divisive. Mixed ability schools and classes should be the norm. Difficult subjects should not be taught because they are divisive.
9 Sex makes people happy, so the more the better.
10 ‘Deep’ ecology, which values all life equally is a very good thing.

And one for luck: The Pope and the Church need to be 100% inclusive.

I think you can guess my position, but your comments would be greatly appreciated.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The People At The Tablet

The people at The Tablet
Were feeling low as Hell.
Their lonely little magazine
‘s Not selling very well.

On tables, shelves, old, yellowing
Unsold, the copies lie.
“What can be done to save our jobs?
What is there left to try?”

The sun declined, the wine, undrunk,
Grew tepid in the glasses.
“Why don’t we imitate The Sun,
Pitch at the unchurched masses?

“We could be tabloid, topless, pert,
Support the Hierarchy –
Rubbish Hans Kung, attack the Prods
Call ‘We Are Church’ mularky.

“Proclaim Humanae Vitae and
Damn heresy and schism,
Show Stanford and that lot the door
And plug the Catechism.”

“Ok, you’re on, let’s seize the day
No time for indecision!
We’ll be with Benedict all the way.
Maybe call for the Inquisition.”

They did it all. Their phoenix rose
And circulation rocketed.
Their sad hearts quailed with guilt , but oh
The profits that they pocketed!

I'm So Happy! I'm So Clappy! I'm So Happy And Clappy And.....

Vigil Mass just anywhere,
loudspeakers squeak and groan
A lady stalks to the lectern
And taps the microphone.

“Your celebrant this evening will be
Father Bogus Smirk.”
She taps the bloody thing again,
and still it doesn’t work.

Someone’s in the lavatory
–You can hear the water flush
Relayed by lapel microphone.
It penetrates the hush

Of the devout and penitent.
And now here comes the priest
All smiles and new-age chasuble.
But how his brow is creased.

When he says, “Hello,” acoustic feedback
Booms. He looks unhappy.
“D’you mind?” he asks. Clearly he blames
The electrician chappie.

The electrician is devout,
But he'd rather not be here.
Far better in the “Horse and Groom”
With mates and darts and beer.

But off he whizzes, tweaks a wire
The Mass can now begin
With folk choir’s shrill cacophony
Guitars’ unlovely din.

And so it goes, smiling and smug
Busy ladies bustle
And organize, but how we miss
Some theological muscle.

Bishops take bearings on a cloud.
The Barque of Peter rolls.
Despite the Pope, its mutinous crew
Are heading for the shoals.

Chesterton should be living now,
Belloc and Martindale,
To tell us how we gained the trite,
And lost? Why, there’s a tale.

Lost reverence, fear, the numinous,
Lost sense of sin. And gained?
A Church that does not speak its Faith,
Weak, wandering, muddled, maimed.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

St Humphrey Lawrence, Martyr, 1572-1591

St Humphrey died the horrible death meted out, until the XIXth century, to those found guily of treason.

He called Elizabeth I a heretic, which she most certainly was.

We should pray to St Humphrey Lawrence that our clergy will speak out with equal uncompromising clarity on matters of Faith and morals. The only penalty they face is the ridicule of those who already hold them in contempt.

What have they to lose?

Monday, July 5, 2010

Our Lord Is Present In A Very Special Way - Does That Mean Not Really?

When Christ explained the Eucharist
Many followers fled.
The Truth was unacceptable
“Too hard! Too hard!” they said.
Our Bishops are of subtler stuff
They nuance things instead.

We once believed - I still believe -
That bread becomes our God
That wine becomes the Blood He shed
Is this so very odd?
Aquinas gave us words to clothe
Belief, but now we nod

Assent at clerics who recoil
From such crude credal vigour
And think they’d better water down
Aquinas’ divisive rigour
“Our Lord is present in a very
Special way,” they figure.

From fudge and nuance and half lies
And German exegesis
They sound-byte forth a statement that
Has as its central thesis
Whatever is acceptable
Whatever your belief is.

Like slippery salesmen they predict
The punter’s predilection.
Street cred is what it’s all about
Not Nicene Creed conviction.
“Our faiths are custom-made," they smirk
"Just choose from our selection.

"Don’t like Hell? Don’t fret, dear sir,
It’s a discontinued line.
No Purgatory? a wise choice,
Heaven ok? That’s fine!
And now, how would you like to pay,
Up front or down the line?"

Caveat Episcopus: A Cautionary Tale

Reading William Oddie's article in the Catholic Herald on the problems of Cardinal Schonborn, and his advice to be wary of the press, reminds me of my experience with the educational correpondent of a nameless national daily when I was teaching in London in the days of the Inner London Education Authority (ILEA).

The school and its headmaster were well known, the school for its success and popularity, and the Head for his traditional values. This sat uncomfortably with the marxist ILEA.

The journailst came to interview me and another teacher of more leftist leanings. We were to talk about what was good or bad about the ILEA.

I started by getting him to agree that everything I said would be unattributable - anonymous. I then did my best to tell the truth about the Authority and its preference for ideology over education. Hot stuff. I named names.

My colleague was not so smart. He gave the journalist a loyal defence of ILEA.

My more negative story was printed. His was not.

However the newspaper in question ambiguously attributed my comments to him, or seemed to do so.

He was not happy.

I was.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

A Horrible Memory

A few days after being received into the Catholic Church in 1989, I went to Mass, I think on a weekday, at Farm Street. It was the week of Christian Unity.

Father (Professor) Thomas McMahon S.J. (I think) gave the homily, and declared:

"The time will come - certainly in our lifetimes, when there will be no Catholic Church, no denominations. We shall all be together. It will be a new church. Many people will be sad at having to give up much which they love....."

He did not elaborate on what we should have to give up in the credal horse-trading which would clearly precede this amalgamation, nor on whether the new church would be world-wide, or merely a British phenomenon.

My oral memory is very good, but not perfect, and I may have misrepresented the actual words, but certainly not the sense. It was a shock - 30 years deliberating whether to become a Catholic, and now - had I hitched my wagon to a dead horse?

I whizzed into the confessional, but not to confess, and the priest, Father Bermingham, reassured me that nothing was going to change. He was wise old man, like Father John Tracy S.J., to whom I owe my final decision to convert.

I don't know whether Professor McMahon is still alive. If he is, I suppose there is still time for his prediction to be fulfillled. Time for nuancing, lying.

But how, why?

The truth is not negotiable.

The clever money is still on the Pope.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Thank You Poland

"Why don't the British like us?" I often have to try to answer that question here in Poland, and the answer tends to be along these lines:

The English, ever since the Great Fraud of Henry VIII have had an aversion to Catholics

They have an aversion to foreigners.

They know little geography and less history. (Duh? Where is Poland?) They distrust well-educated people (envy?). By contrast, my postman here in Poland, remarked, when I said I would not be returning to England, "As Epicurus said, 'You can't step twice into the same river'."

Good fortune has rendered the Briish devoid of gratitude.

Today, a sympathetic Daily Telegraph blog, by Daniel Hannan, followed by the usual duck-speaking comment-writers, has moved me to try and explain a few facts about Poland.

From the 1780s to 1918, Poland as an independent nation did not exist. Poland did not appear in the ancient atlases we still used at school in the 1950s. Partitioned between Russia, Prussia, and Austria-Hungary, it was, as Paderewski remarked, "Not so much a country as a state of mind".

The effects of the partitioning were not uniform. The Astro-Hungarian occupation was mainly benign, with employment and education open to imperial subjects. The Russian presence varied from tolerable to barbaric. The Prussian occupation, particularly after the passing of the Falk laws, was oppressive. The Polish language was proscribed in schools, and children who used it were flogged. By the beginning of the 20th century, a Pole could sell his house only to a German national.

Poland became independent in 1918. In 1920 Poland repelled a U.S.S.R invasion at the battle of the Vistula. The invasion, Stalin's brainchild, was intended to pass through Poland to Germany, foment revolution in Germany, and help German communists install a Marxist state. Stalin's hope was that the whole of western Europe would fall to communism.

Perhaps Europeans should be thanking Poland, the nation whose earlier intervention in 1683, led by King Jan Sobieski's army, at the battle of Vienna may well have saved Europe from being overrun by the Ottoman Empire. Sharia, anyone?

In the 2nd World War, Germany killed 20% of the Polish population, half of them Jews. The U.S.S.R. murdered 22,000 at Katyń. The Poles were doughty pilots in the Battle of Britain, killing more Germans per pilot than their British counterparts, using fewer mechanics, and losing fewer pilots and planes. Air Marshal Dowding said at the time, that it was not possible to say that without the Poles, the Battle of Britain would have been won by the U.K.

But Poland was sneered at by the British press, intrigued against by the civil service, the Curzon Line was secretly moved westward by the Polish traitor Lewis Namier, after he became a British citizen and a civil servant. Namier had access to the map, and passed his alteration to Stalin, so that Poland lost the historic city of Lwów (now Lviv) to the U.S.S.R. At Yalta, Stalin produced the map, asked if Churchill and Roosevelt agreed to the Curzon line, and when they assented, compensated the Poles with a chunk of Germany.

Snubbed by Thatcher over Katyń, emerging unbroken after 44 years of communism, Poland is now the butt of jokes, sneers, and smears, and was even accused last year by an intemperate Times columnist of celebrating Easter before the last war by burning Jews alive in their synagogues. The same learned and well-informed columnist thought it an insult to call Poles "Polacks". A Polish man is a Polak, and a Polish woman a Polka, but I doubt if he will read this.

So, thank you, Poles and Poland, that I am alive, have a family, am not a subject of the third reich, or a Muslim.

And thank you, Mary Queen of Poland, who over the centuries have imbued with such strength this remarkable nation.